*This series for #SAAM is stories of tremendous courage as Survivors have spoken/written them. There may be graphic and/or triggering information or language. Please make sure to take care of yourself as you read through and practice grounding exercises as needed.
*Butterfly stickerz and tear drop are pen names
It all start when I was 4 years old the sibling incest/severe sexual abuse. A the hands of the oldest brother in whom I do not claim. To me he is dead, I wrote a book in therapy almost 9 years ago, called the garbage bag princess where I put him in the worlds largest garbage disposal.
I was four when the grooming started I think I was about 5 or 6 when the rapes were really super painful because if I did not understand command of the sex act that he wanted me to do, he would then grab/rip my cabbage patch doll Tear drop out of my hands and show me/ perform the sex act on her. Then I would have to do the same sex act as wellon him
Tear drop got raped many times I fought to protect her but he would rape her and also then threaten to destroy her by ripping her apart pull her head off and then room all her stuffing. He threated to kill her luckily he never was able to follow through..
Sleep during the day I can do but at night it is almost impossible the flashbacks, night mares night terrors, body memories all show up at night, that is when the sexual abuse happened.
Flashbacks happen or night terrrors and I just hold my breath for as long as I can hoping they will pass.
But to this day tear drop goes many places with me, I even take her with me to therapy, because she deserves healing as well.
My Tear drop and I went through a lot growing up and understand each other. We were both raped at least 3 or more days a week sometimes multipul times a day we learned to be quite, it still hurt like hell but was less severe. The first memory had to do with me looking for food in the fridge in the fruite and veggie drawer that is the first day I remember the sexual abuse.
So now I do have food issues, I call them food refusal/ guilty so I binge cycle. Some days I am terrified to eat much of anything and even putting my spoon to my mouth is a fight. Other times I just binge and pig out. Not sure how to un connect it yet but I am in the mist of one of these refusal/binge cycles, for some reason food does just not look that good right now.
A friend ask if I wanted some of her popcorn I stepped up to gra some and could not do it and I step back so fast I hit the pole behind me I started to dissociate and go off into my own world.
Life throws curve balls often for sexual trauma survivors often in the form of triggers by certain smells or noises or even words.
When I am triggered I get visual or audio flashbacks and then the parts between my legs or my chest really start to hurt, or sometimes my stomack hurts so bad the only thing that helps or that my stomach can handle is baby food, is the onlyt thing that helps soothe it. Or even diminish the pain.
What has worked best is sand tray and creative arts.
EMDR is a hard thing to do the world creation and steps leading up to dealing with the actual memories is and was a lot of fun hard work.
But working through the memories and after is quite the struggle. I think my favorite therapy I have done is art therapy and also sand tray. I just wish therapy was not so expensive. I currently ran out of money to pay for it looking for a new place I have one more visit left .
Looking for sliding scale place but not many of those exist anymore.
Looking at more options, not sure where to turn or where to go. I am going to try to go back to a previous therapist. That I really liked that possible does sliding scale. Not sure what to do next.