Butterfly's Courageous Journey ~ #SAAM

*This series for #SAAM is stories of tremendous courage as Survivors have spoken/written them. There may be graphic and/or triggering information or language. Please make sure to take care of yourself as you read through and practice grounding exercises as needed.

BUTTERFLY'S STORY...

*Butterfly stickerz and tear drop are pen  names

It all start when I was  4 years old  the sibling incest/severe sexual abuse. A the  hands of the oldest brother in whom I do not claim. To me he is dead, I wrote a book in therapy almost 9 years ago, called  the garbage bag princess where I put him in the worlds largest garbage disposal.

I was four when the grooming started I think I was about 5 or 6 when the rapes were really super painful because if I  did not understand command of the sex act that he  wanted me to do, he would then grab/rip my cabbage patch doll Tear drop out of my  hands and show me/ perform the sex act  on her. Then I  would have to do the same sex act as wellon him

 Tear drop got raped many times I fought to protect her but he would rape her and  also then threaten to destroy her by ripping her apart pull her  head off and then room all her stuffing. He threated to kill her luckily he never was able to follow through..

Sleep during the  day I can do but at night it  is almost impossible  the flashbacks, night mares night terrors, body memories all show up at night, that is  when the sexual abuse happened.

Flashbacks happen or night terrrors and I just hold my breath for as long as I can hoping they will pass.

But to this day tear drop goes many places with me, I even take her with me to therapy,  because she deserves healing as well.

My Tear drop and I went through a lot growing up and  understand each other. We were both raped at  least 3 or more days a week sometimes multipul times a day we learned to be quite, it still hurt like hell but was less severe. The first memory had to do with me looking for food in the fridge in the  fruite and veggie drawer that is the first day I remember the sexual abuse.

So now I do have food issues, I call them food refusal/ guilty so I binge cycle. Some days I am terrified to eat much of  anything and even putting my spoon to my mouth is a fight. Other times I  just binge and pig out. Not sure how to un connect it yet  but I am in the mist of  one of these  refusal/binge cycles, for some reason  food does just  not look that good right now.

A friend ask if I wanted some of her popcorn I stepped up to gra some and could not  do it and I step  back so fast I hit the pole  behind me I started  to dissociate and go off into my own world.

Life throws curve balls often for sexual trauma survivors often in the  form of  triggers by certain smells or  noises or even words.

 When I am triggered I get visual or audio flashbacks and then  the parts between my legs or my chest really start to hurt, or sometimes  my stomack hurts  so bad  the only thing that  helps or that  my stomach can handle is baby food, is the onlyt thing that  helps soothe it. Or even diminish the pain.

What  has worked  best is sand tray and  creative arts.

 EMDR is a hard thing to do the world creation and steps leading up to dealing with the actual memories is and was a lot of  fun hard work.

But working through the memories and after is quite  the struggle.  I think  my favorite therapy I have  done is art therapy and  also sand tray. I just wish therapy was not so expensive. I  currently ran out of money to pay for it looking  for a new place I have one more visit left .

Looking for sliding scale place but not  many of those exist anymore.

Looking at more options, not sure  where to turn or  where to go. I am going to try to go back  to a previous therapist. That I really  liked that possible does sliding  scale. Not  sure  what to do next.

colorful butterfly

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