It’s now been 2 1/2 weeks since I left CJ. We’ve driven across the country, spent 5 days in Texas, almost got a new dog, and have been in Clearwater Beach, Florida for 10 days.
(That's my husband trying to catch a stray that was in the middle of the highway. After trying to contact shelters, the police, the local humane society, and more than two hours we were unsuccessful 🙁 )
I feel like it should be about time to pack up and go back home. Then I remind myself...I don’t have a home. Where we are is our new home. For now it's Clearwater Beach. This summer it will be....I guess wherever we decide to go....likely Massachusettes and New York, possibly Europe for a little while too.
When I write it out it’s so surreal. It really is amazing to be able to do what I’m (we"re) doing. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful for the opportunity and the experience.
So why do I find myself feeling a little lost, disappointed, and certainly not as happy as my husband is?
Unprocessed grief. As I mentioned in the post the day I sold my furniture, with everything happening so quickly, I iniitially didn’t have time to fully grieve...and still haven’t. Grief is a process that typically takes more than a couple of weeks 😉 . But more significantly, I’ve been in denial.
I’ve been so focused on how fortunate and grateful I am that I've been denying the significance of the loss I’ve experienced. My life as I knew it, my work, a successful practice that I created, relationships with some incredibly courageous people, and some great friends.
It’s time to allow myself the opportunity to feel the feelings without having to immediately reframe so I feel better. I’ll start right after I finish this post 😉 .
I chose to share this with you because I know we all struggle with things we sometimes think we shouldn’t. I should know better, be better, stronger, have it all figured out. It happens to all of us.
Though I know grief is normal and healthy, I haven’t been able to recognize it because the denial has helped me continue to move forward when there was a lot I needed to focus on and get done. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly had moments of being a bit of a mess (sad, tearful), just ask my husband 😉 . It’s just that when it has happened I immediately reframe so I can go to that place of gratitude. Not allowing myself to sit in acceptance with the feelings.
So, I'm off to experience all the myriad emotions swirling around. Is it still denial if I'm doing it on the beach I feel so grateful to be on 😉 ?
When have you used something positive to keep you from acknowledging something painful in your life? Maybe something like...it could have been worse, at least I didn't break both legs, the sun is shining (after just losing your house in a tornado). Okay, these may be a little extreme, but you know...you've probably done it a million times...minimize it so it doesn't seem so bad.
Side note: Of course, gratitude is always a good thing 😉 . However, even good things can serve as a coping mechanism allowing you to avoid dealing with something you may not want to deal with.