Today I share Pami's story. While there are often many similarities in the stories of our lives, there are some differences too. Take from it what you find yourself connecting with and be aware of any judgements you may find. As a defense, judgement often shows up when something within is triggered. This is certainly an issue that can be triggering. If you find yourself in that place remember to practice compassion, both for yourself and for Pami 🙂
I was a tomboy and never too keen on guys in romantic sense. I never had crush on anyone but when the teens hit me I started to feel the social pressure to have a "boyfriend". I believed I am not nice to look at and nobody would ever really want me anyway. I had one brief dating period to satisfy my social buddies. But I could not get over the touching requirements of romantic relationships so it did not go far.
Then when I was 17 we went dancing with friends and absolutely gorgeous guy came and ask me to dance. I was in shock! Me? Are you kidding? Me? Really? Are you sure? Maybe you forgot your glasses? Well, worked out he did not and he also asked me out. Did I have any deep feelings for him as a person? Nope ...but I just felt so excited that somebody who can have a lot of the other girls choose me I could not let that go as obviously it is my only chance in this life to feel like I am as good as others. (You know the brain of a 17 year old).
He was the first person in years who said nice things about me. He was charismatic and a gentleman. I was in heaven. And of course heaven had its price. At least that is how I looked at it. He was not the typical abusive kind he just had a "dark" side of him when it came to sex. I have nothing against kinky stuff but I feel both parties have to be enjoying themselves. Which was not the case and he did not care.
But I let it happen as I felt I just have to give something back, pay a price. Do something so he has a reason to be nice to me. Otherwise why would he?
I could have left anytime. I could have said no and never see him again without much trouble. There was no obligation for me to stay, no fear of him, no financial dependency... none of that. Yet I came back. I did so because I needed the nice words, the attention the “love” I craved so much and did not get anywhere else. The price I paid did not seem that big of a deal at the time. I got used to it on some level. I did not know it was eating me alive, it was destroying my soul, my dignity and my body.
This went on for a year. It escalated and I ended up in hospital because of too much blood loss.
That was the turning point for me and I realized that I can´t do it anymore. And nobody should, not me and not you.
I am not different from you we are both human beings with feelings, soul, dreams … nobody has the right to crush them, destroy them or spit on them.
I did not believe somebody can be nice to me just for free because they chose to because I am worth some respect and love and caring but really we all are. And I do know that today.
Please consider sharing your reaction, support, and noticings (observations).